Listening to the radio yesterday and hearing some 'phone in requests I realised how naturally humble we tend to be!
"I'd just like to say...." "I'd just like to ask..."
And it's the same when somebody receives an award or is invited to make an impromtu speech at a leaving do or something like it.
"I'd just like to thank..." "I'd just like to mention..."
Listen to us! What is it that we're really saying?
"Forgive the intrusion ...this won't take long I'll just be a few minutes?
"I'm not worthy of this attention that I'm attracting to myself?
"Whatever I say I know it'll be rubbish so I'll lower your expectations now!"
I reckon it's one of those cultural things that history has blessed or cursed us with. Whether we're a product of the forelock touching toiling class or the stiff upper-lipped landed gentry. Who can say?
Certainly not me I dropped history in the 2nd year at school.
But what I will say is that such a simple phrase as "just like to" - together with the inevitable excusatory voice tone and body language has a powerfully negative effect on the message that we communicate.
And it's this devlish thing called sub-conscious communication at work again. That cunning second channel into the other parties mind that is so sensitive to auditory and visual signals. To the extent that it can undermine and over-ride the words travelling in via the conscious channel.
My colleague Julie at career change specialists Churchill Brook talked recently about candidate performance at interview. She highlighted how candidates who were currently employed displayed significantly more confidence and presence than candidates who were not working - and of course how this influences the outcome of interviews.
How we outwardly express ourselves through our non-verbal language is of course an outcome of the way we inwardly feel. But it seems that few of us recognise this and take steps before an important presentation or interview to prime our inner self.
There are several simple and highly effective "inner-self workouts" you can try such as affirmations, visualisation and reframing - the link will tell you more about them.
But also ask yourself how thoroughly you plan and prepare for that interview or presentation. Go on be honest - do you tell people that you're good on your feet or better when spontaneous? Yeah right!!
When you are clear about the specific outcomes you want to achieve - and equally clear about the steps you will take to achieve that outcome - then you effectively create for yourself a flight plan.
Now you know where you're going and how you're getting there.
You are confidently able to direct things - and it shows!
For more tips and advice visit http://persuadability.co.uk
Why is it blokes can't read body language?
Now it's not that I was eavesdropping ...but you know how it is in Costa with the tables being so up close and personal!
I'd have said they were meeting for the first time? It's usually the case when you see couples showing exaggerated interest in the mundane background stuff they chat about. And it was going very well. Leaning forward ...faces cradled in hands - they were mirroring in perfect rapport. Big smiles. Tentative touching when they got up to order seconds - yes definitely must have been a first date.
Then I heard him say that he still lived with his parents!
Her smile went. The voice lost its happy ring. Hands dropped into her lap as she sat back in her chair locking her feet together under her chair. "Is that mine?" she asked - turning her attention to the toasty with a suddenly acquired interest in moving things along.
He of course hadn't noticed a thing! He happily continued - leaning in and going on with the same hyper-enthusiam. Whilst she - now fully out of rapport - was visibly backing away from this "alien" from another world. This person whose body language was saying "yes" when her's was definitely saying "no!"
Because it isn't just words that consciously register and suggest disagreement.
More telling is the non-verbal language that unconsciously registers and confirms disagreement!
What I was observing does of course go on everyday in both both personal and business relationships. Even in telephone conversations
The daft thing is that most of the time we are actually trying to behave in the right way. As an illustration of this picture the scenario:
Angry customer telephoning customer services: "That TV you installed isn't working. It cost £700 and I'm missing the cup final!"
Customer Service Agent #1 with a doubting tone says: "I am surprised. I'm sure there can't be anything seriously wrong with one of our new state of the art LCD HD sets"
Fair answer but wrong answer. The customer wants empathy not questioning of his complaint. Sensing no sympathy for how he feels, he demands his money back. 
Customer Service Agent #2 with an angry disappointed tone says: "Really!! That is not good! We need to quickly sort this out for you."
Good answer and right answer. The customer senses a likeminded response. They're in rapport and he is happy to be talked through the set up steps as the agent now shifts into calm problem solving manner.
This is pacing and leading at work. Matching the non-verbal language as it reflects the mood and rhetoric of somebody before using it to lead them out of conflict and into resolution.
Yes our friend at Costa's needs to learn to mirror the "state we don't want to be in" language of his friend and lead her out of it - otherwise he'll always be living with his mum.
For more tips on persuasion go to http://www.persuadability.co.uk/
I talked in the previous post about the "ying and yang of persuasion." And about borrowing the soft hands techniques of Tai Chi - where you use the force of an opponents argument to your advantage.
Allowing somebody to persuade themselves towards the outcome you want is undoubtably the best form of persuasion. I'm convinced of it - it's what I've been observing in business for over 40 years.
I first consciously applied it in sales. Not as a salesman but as an Area Sales Manager - the best job there is in which to learn and practice influence and persuasion. Because it exposes you to situations every day: Sitting in on a sales interview where with a coach's 3rd party perspective you see and feel so much more than when you're actually doing the selling. And as a Manager and coach - encouraging people with different needs and personalities to meet team goals and standards.
Generally speaking people don't want to be told what to do. And that is definitely the case if you suggest that what they're doing isn't good enough. So launching in with a direct "I think this is what you should do" approach just doesn't work. You'll most probably get a defensive reaction. If you don't ...then the chances are you're being temporarily tolerated ...just for a quiet life. Once you're gone with no commitment made they revert to old ways and attitudes.
I was reminded of all this when catching up with one of the old team from those early days and we talked about the success of the team and in particular the dynamics of area meetings.
Apart from revelling in the flattery which was very enjoyable it was good to hear how he had taken on board and applied the same approach in his subsequently successful career:
At meetings he would establish and agree the team goal.
Then invite suggestions on tactics - and lead towards consensus on the preferred tactic - which happened of course to be his choice too.
With ownership of tactics secure he would invite the first bids on individual targets and identify the predictable gap.
Then allow further debate to shapen up the tactics followed by further bids - knowing just as he had years previously that personal conviction plus a bit of self-esteem would ensure an achievable but stretching pledge would fill the gap!
Then he would confirm commitment - again remembering just how he would always achieve any target he'd agreed and committed to - and knowing full well that I would probably have settled for less!
I must get back into the routine of Tuesday evening Tai Chi.
The first hour is very well spent on the "health" aspects - practicing the moves and understanding the breathing and skeletal massage benefits.
The second hour our teacher Bernie gets us on the martial arts stuff - that is great fun.
Not necessarily the diving forward rolls onto a mat - that makes me giddy! Nor the stamina building routines - holding weights and swinging your arms at shoulder height for several painful minutes. Nor is it necessarily the sparring with the gloves on - its a nose protector not gum shield that I need! But Bernie explains that "you need this stuff just in case it kicks off outside the chippy on a Saturday night!"
The part I get the biggest kick out of is the pushing hands practice. Embodying one of Tai Chi's key principals of using your opponents force to your advantage - it teaches you to be alert and sensitive to their imminent movement and then to allow their own attacking momentum to unbalance them. Initiate the attack yourself and you end up on all fours!
It's a principal that I find serves us very well in resolving conflict or when influencing opinions towards our own point of view.
Disappointingly we are inclined to counter-attack when our opinions are challenged. Which is fine if you just want to enjoy a good row but not very productive if agreement is the end aim.
And an attack can be very innocent in it's intent. Simply saying "you're wrong!" "that's not the case!" "I disagree!" signals a difference which in turn means that you're on opposite sides. And the shields go up.
We have our own "soft hands" that we can use to counter disagreement:
Keep quiet - listen intently - don't rush in with a response.
Nod your head in apparent agreement
Empathise with a response like: "fair point" "I think I can see why you say that"
Qualify their thoughts: "would you mind explaining it a bit more to me please?"
Qualify their feelings: "I see ...and why is that particularly important to you?"
Now - not only have you let them talk out their objection - deflate the balloon as it was once taught to me - but you know the needs and wants that sit behind their objection. You can tailor your response and make sure it meets those wants in every way.
Which is much better than a sore nose ...or falling on all fours
For more tips on persuasion visit http://persuadability.co.uk/
