Friday 5 November 2010

Use ying and yang to get agreement

I must get back into the routine of Tuesday evening Tai Chi.
The first hour is very well spent on the "health" aspects - practicing the moves and understanding the breathing and skeletal massage benefits.  
The second hour our teacher Bernie gets us on the martial arts stuff - that is great fun.
Not necessarily the diving forward rolls onto a mat - that makes me giddy! Nor the stamina building routines - holding weights and swinging your arms at shoulder height for several painful minutes.  Nor is it necessarily the sparring with the gloves on - its a nose protector not gum shield that I need!  But Bernie explains that "you need this stuff just in case it kicks off outside the chippy on a Saturday night!"
The part I get the biggest kick out of is the pushing hands practice. Embodying one of Tai Chi's key principals of using your opponents force to your advantage - it teaches you to be alert and sensitive to their imminent movement and then to allow their own attacking momentum to unbalance them. Initiate the attack yourself and you end up on all fours!
It's a principal that I find serves us very well in resolving conflict or when influencing opinions towards our own point of view.
Disappointingly we are inclined to counter-attack when our opinions are challenged. Which is fine if you just want to enjoy a good row but not very productive if agreement is the end aim.
And an attack can be very innocent in it's intent. Simply saying "you're wrong!" "that's not the case!" "I disagree!" signals a difference which in turn means that you're on opposite sides. And the shields go up.
We have our own "soft hands" that we can use to counter disagreement:
Keep quiet - listen intently - don't rush in with a response.
Nod your head in apparent agreement
Empathise with a response like: "fair point" "I think I can see why you say that"
Qualify their thoughts: "would you mind explaining it a bit more to me please?"
Qualify their feelings: "I see ...and why is that particularly important to you?"
Now - not only have you let them talk out their objection - deflate the balloon as it was once taught to me - but you know the needs and wants that sit behind their objection. You can tailor your response and make sure it meets those wants in every way.
Which is much better than a sore nose ...or falling on all fours 


For more tips on persuasion visit http://persuadability.co.uk/

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