How to really listen and influence people.

"Males have more personality than females!"  Well that's a "fighting talk" headline if ever I read one! But it's how an article on recent research by The University of Exeter on male and female behaviour was introduced. Further reading of the article did reveal however that it wasn't an ego boost for blokes! What they were actually saying is that males, be they birds, animals or humans, display a consistent set of behaviours that have evolved in connection with sexual selection. Apparently we chaps are just naturally disposed to be assertive, protective or eager to display resourcefulness because that's how a potential mate will select us. Females, it is suggested, have no such pre-occupations and display varied behaviours.
I did see some connection here with a view that I have formed over the years, that women find it easier than men to adapt their behavioural style, and are thus more able to establish rapport with others and become effective listeners.  A controversial view to express in male dominant workshops!! .... but worth saying to pursue the debate that rapport is an essential precursor to persuasion and agreement.
Pretty much everyone objects to being sold to! On the other hand when we feel that somebody sees things our way...has the same sort of values as we do...then we instinctly trust their opinions. We find it easy to open up and express our thoughts and feelings with somebody who seems to share those same thoughts and feelings.

That is what rapport achieves and there are many habits and skills we can develop that enable us to create rapport.  Without doubt, the best one to start working on is your ability to adapt your behaviour when you listen. Remember, the aim is to be an encouraging listener:  Look like you're listening. Don't interrupt. Nod and smile. Mirror their body language and emotional state, but do this subtly!! Match their conversational pace and pitch. Get into the habit of saying "Do you know..you're right...that's a good point!" Make less statements and ask more questions. Show an interest in why people say what they do and why things are important to them. Avoid overtly disagreeing.

Adapting your behaviour to be in tune with somebody is the most subtle and elegant way to show likemindedness. When you achieve that you are three-quarters of the way to achieving consensus and agreement.


Bob Howard-Spink is a partner in Persuadability. For more about influence and persuasion and for general tips and advice on improving your business messages visit http://www.persuadability.co.uk/